I know that the first step in dealing with matters that pull and tug at my innermost being is to admit and name them. So the time has come for me to say that during this past year I have been struggling with the onset of familial tremors in my right hand. In the whole scope of health issues, which I could experience, this would be noted as minor. However, I have never really had to cope with physical issues as I have only had the types that are rather easily remedied. This makes this condition harder for me to accept. Also, this one is here to stay. The greatest physical difficulty, which I am experiencing, is with my handwriting. I am very frustrated that I cannot write personal letters and jot quick notes to others or myself. Of course, I am overly self-conscious of my trembling hand and wish that I could accept it with more grace. I can still use my computer and knit, but even these aren’t done as easily as they once were. Unfortunately, my children and grandchildren have probably inherited this gene and may also experience the vexation of such tremors. My sharing of this personal struggle is not a request for sympathy, but as a way to live with it without letting it be so embarrassing and demoralizing. Somewhere there is a gift to be claimed in this.
This part of my journey certainly has given me greater insight to the physical challenges of many persons whom I encounter daily. I no longer easily dismiss their anger and wounded souls and more fully realize that to feel our feeling is a necessary part of restoring our wholeness. Scripture reveals time and again that God knows our feelings and understands. I may not be cured of this thorn, but I may be healed so as not to know the bondage of this tremor. This is my prayer.
6 comments:
Thanks for sharing so openly - yes, the first (and often, for me, the hardest) is naming a challenge - for that gives credibility of existence...you are always so open, sensitive and caring to others when sensing their pain.
Know that you are loved and prayed for....
Yes, you will be in my prayers. And I agree that it is good to share your true feelings esp. to God. It is OK to be upset, angry, sad, etc. May our Father give you comfort and encouragement.
Love,
Maria
"Self conscious of a wound" - well stated and gets to the heart of pastoral needs. We have our "wounds" but then we also have to deal with our self-evaluations of who we are as wounded persons. May God grace you with healing for wholeness in both areas.
You can not know how relieved is my heart that you have named a condition by a name not as threatening as the name I was about to approach you with. Having caught an occasional glimpse (only because I pay so much attention to minutia) of "familial", I was distressed that you were maybe trying to come to grips with the revelation of something more dire. I was too cowardly to approach you for fear that I might be jumping the gun on nothing more than a reaction to Rx. Nevertheless, you have been in my prayers and will continue to be. You are also in my heart. Thank you for removing my scales. My eyes have never seen more clearly. Love. Tom
I was not familiar with the term "familial tremor" and did not realize how nearly identical it is to "essential tremor" (my diagnosis) until I did a bit of research. While there are a couple of minor distinctions, I can certainly empathize with your struggle this past year with your thorn. I can only say what you have done may not have been easy but it certainly is freeing. As to not being able to write, it really is a bummer, but as in all things, let us thank God for computers. I can't imagine the frustration of losing that ability for expression. Yet that would have been the reality just a few short years ago.
Jean, I suspect you will find that the loss, or partial loss, of one capability will lead to the enhancement of others--more intense listening, a greater use of and reliance on memory, and a discover that even complete strangers will make name tags for you at meetings. It creates great opportunities to meet people!
I used to feel embarrassed in public to have to hold my right hand with my left to sign my name. Then I realized that I had been given just the tiniest bit of insight into what a person with a true handicapping condition must feel every moment of every day. Now I feel blessed by God that I have been made more sensitive to the feelings and circumstances of others.
Jean, it is one thing for me to have a couple of problems, but when I hear of your plight, I know it is time to go back and reread Kushner's book "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?"
I have seen how you hold your own hands. I think that in naming your condition you have invited us to hold your hands.
Post a Comment